Self-confidence?

Hey guys,

The last days were quite hard for me.
My grandma is lying in hospital and everyone is waiting for her to die, but she doesn't let go.

Edit: She died right now.
My parents came in and my mom petted my shoulder. I didn't like that gesture. Does she really believe that makes it any better? It felt annoying. I'd have preferred to be told in a calm voice that it eventually happened. I can't deal with it that way. .....

So my afternoon passed by with watching Navy CIS.
But when I was asked to  buy a mobile phone credit card I suddenly run into my room and started weeping.
I just....I don't know. It was too much.
After a few minutes my control was reconverd and I ate  pasta.
I always need to eat or drink something when I'm nervous, stressed or bored.

Whatsoever....I was always a shy child with little self-confidence, but I was happy and my life felt okay.
During the 2nd to 7th grade I looked like a boy (I preferred blue clothes and short hair -> much more handy, but I was never bullied or so) yet I am quite intelligent  and had friends enough so that I never missed anything important.

However during the last years I've been retreating more and more into my shell.
I've still have good friends, especially two of them.
They both have depressive states.
And in the last weeks my mum has been drinking much alcohol. (She started when her dad dies (she was about 15 or 16 years old and her mum used to tell her that she was unwanted).
My granddad (her dad) who I've never knew was an alcoholic too.
Apart from that she didn't used to drink much, maybe 3-4 days a month.
But it became more and more lately.
Wednesday dad bursted into anger and he gave her the choice whether moves out or checks into a drying-out center. She's chosen the secons option.
But I know, it isn't the question if my parents ever get divorced but when.
Probably when my youngest brother is old enough.

Back to my main issure: self-confidence.
Let's imagine a skyscraper. During primary school my confidence was more or less in the 3rd floor maybe a bit higher, where others used to be in one of the highest suites.
In secondary school it slumped more and more and finally hit the basement.
If it's sinking like I feel at the moment, it'll reach hell before christmas.
*Give satan my regards*

And now I'm stopping writing this foolish text and drink a big cup of coffee.....


xx Someone-Currently-Broken