self-display

Hey guys :D
I haven't had the time to make an 7x7 post last week, but I'll definetly do it this week!
Well, I've already wrote something about my thoughts and stuff.
But recentlly I'm thinking about my personality.
I don't know much about myself. I like being alone and in a quite atmosphere, but  I hate the feeling being lonely. 
I'm introvert and hate being in a crowd of people. Even with my two closest friends I behave withdrawn.
I do not know how strong I could be or if I have any personal  strength at all.
I know, that can't even talk to my aunt without feeling daunted and stressed out, so I'm constantly looking for something I could do or say to make me feel better. It doesn't help.
I usually try to behave happy when I'm somewhere, expect when I'm really annoyed by everything.
My friends don't ween to much about it.
Once - not too long ago - I remember that we sat togehter in class (stand in class) and she looked around.
We were talking about here and an other friend's depression and she pointed one after another to the other and said, that she worried about them. When she pointed to me she cogitated one moment and then smiled.
"No, I'm not worried about you. You're the happiest one of us. I 'd like to live your life."
But then she added, if she should be worried about me and I said nothing just shook my head slightly.
Inside I cried. I wanted to crawl into a niche and be alone.
I don't let anyone see into myself clearly. They don't know that my mum is an alcaholic.
They don't know that I really want to be the happy clever person they see.
But there's a barrier and at nights it's broken.
I am a butterfly. From far away I look beautiful (I am not good looking - I am and feel ugly,  but I hope you get what I really mean) I seem to live an idyllic life. But if you look closer, I get ugly and misshapen.
And a butterfly is fragile. One clap and it's dead.
At the moment I feel as if those hands impend dangerously above me.
In the next second they will slap and the butterfly will be broken.
That will always be the reason why I'll keep on writing this blog, even if I don't write regulary or whatever.
I know that I am not going into the depths, but  I can't express any better.
I don't know my feelings any better.
They're hidden behind a misty barrage, so I often just feel numb and senseless or at the egde of crying.
I don't know what to do against it, apart from living on and getting to know new people.
Time will heal and set anything so I'm going to be patient and look forward to anything facing me.
I hope I haven't bothered you too much, but because if you don't want to read this, just don't do it.
It's your choice.

xx Blacky