Joining a Conversation

Hi guys, 

Let's imagine: [It can be a different place, time, conversation, people - whatever :D]

You're sitting in a restaurant with good friends of yours and it's much fun. But after some drinks you really need to go to the toilet. 

After a few minutes (there was a queue) you come back and you hear this last sentence: 

"Harry was really brave."

Well, as a passionate reader you first thought is about J.K. Rowlings Harry Potter books.

So you say: "Yeah, I think so too. The last book is my favorite."

You wait for an answer, but your friends are looking confused for a moment before the woman sitting opposite realizes what you were talking about. She smirks and says: 

"Interesting. I didn't know Harry S. was an author."

Ooops....

"Uhm...er...sorry for interrupting. I thought you were talking about Harry Potter."

I always hate these moments, when I interrupt a conversation and think I know what the topic is.

It's often embarrassing O.o Especially when the chat is cut off and nobody knows what to say next.

I really tend to blush easily and my face goes red as a tomato. 

But sometimes I'm lucky and I say such a stupid comment, that everyone is just laughing and we keep on chatting ;)

I'm really helpless with joining a conversation and sheepishness isn't helpful at all.

Maybe I'll grow someday out of mistakes. Maybe I gain more self-confidence.

But before I reach my goal I'll fall down very often.

I just need to keep on stand up again & again.

Hopefully my exchange gives my sort of a "kick".

That I fall really deep and need much courage to climb up again.

'Course it's not easy to live half a year in a different country, without friends or family, without speaking the language very well - just loads of strangers...

It'll be hard but I'll be okay :)

xx Blacky

Self-confidence?

Hey guys,

The last days were quite hard for me.
My grandma is lying in hospital and everyone is waiting for her to die, but she doesn't let go.

Edit: She died right now.
My parents came in and my mom petted my shoulder. I didn't like that gesture. Does she really believe that makes it any better? It felt annoying. I'd have preferred to be told in a calm voice that it eventually happened. I can't deal with it that way. .....

So my afternoon passed by with watching Navy CIS.
But when I was asked to  buy a mobile phone credit card I suddenly run into my room and started weeping.
I just....I don't know. It was too much.
After a few minutes my control was reconverd and I ate  pasta.
I always need to eat or drink something when I'm nervous, stressed or bored.

Whatsoever....I was always a shy child with little self-confidence, but I was happy and my life felt okay.
During the 2nd to 7th grade I looked like a boy (I preferred blue clothes and short hair -> much more handy, but I was never bullied or so) yet I am quite intelligent  and had friends enough so that I never missed anything important.

However during the last years I've been retreating more and more into my shell.
I've still have good friends, especially two of them.
They both have depressive states.
And in the last weeks my mum has been drinking much alcohol. (She started when her dad dies (she was about 15 or 16 years old and her mum used to tell her that she was unwanted).
My granddad (her dad) who I've never knew was an alcoholic too.
Apart from that she didn't used to drink much, maybe 3-4 days a month.
But it became more and more lately.
Wednesday dad bursted into anger and he gave her the choice whether moves out or checks into a drying-out center. She's chosen the secons option.
But I know, it isn't the question if my parents ever get divorced but when.
Probably when my youngest brother is old enough.

Back to my main issure: self-confidence.
Let's imagine a skyscraper. During primary school my confidence was more or less in the 3rd floor maybe a bit higher, where others used to be in one of the highest suites.
In secondary school it slumped more and more and finally hit the basement.
If it's sinking like I feel at the moment, it'll reach hell before christmas.
*Give satan my regards*

And now I'm stopping writing this foolish text and drink a big cup of coffee.....


xx Someone-Currently-Broken