self-display

Hey guys :D
I haven't had the time to make an 7x7 post last week, but I'll definetly do it this week!
Well, I've already wrote something about my thoughts and stuff.
But recentlly I'm thinking about my personality.
I don't know much about myself. I like being alone and in a quite atmosphere, but  I hate the feeling being lonely. 
I'm introvert and hate being in a crowd of people. Even with my two closest friends I behave withdrawn.
I do not know how strong I could be or if I have any personal  strength at all.
I know, that can't even talk to my aunt without feeling daunted and stressed out, so I'm constantly looking for something I could do or say to make me feel better. It doesn't help.
I usually try to behave happy when I'm somewhere, expect when I'm really annoyed by everything.
My friends don't ween to much about it.
Once - not too long ago - I remember that we sat togehter in class (stand in class) and she looked around.
We were talking about here and an other friend's depression and she pointed one after another to the other and said, that she worried about them. When she pointed to me she cogitated one moment and then smiled.
"No, I'm not worried about you. You're the happiest one of us. I 'd like to live your life."
But then she added, if she should be worried about me and I said nothing just shook my head slightly.
Inside I cried. I wanted to crawl into a niche and be alone.
I don't let anyone see into myself clearly. They don't know that my mum is an alcaholic.
They don't know that I really want to be the happy clever person they see.
But there's a barrier and at nights it's broken.
I am a butterfly. From far away I look beautiful (I am not good looking - I am and feel ugly,  but I hope you get what I really mean) I seem to live an idyllic life. But if you look closer, I get ugly and misshapen.
And a butterfly is fragile. One clap and it's dead.
At the moment I feel as if those hands impend dangerously above me.
In the next second they will slap and the butterfly will be broken.
That will always be the reason why I'll keep on writing this blog, even if I don't write regulary or whatever.
I know that I am not going into the depths, but  I can't express any better.
I don't know my feelings any better.
They're hidden behind a misty barrage, so I often just feel numb and senseless or at the egde of crying.
I don't know what to do against it, apart from living on and getting to know new people.
Time will heal and set anything so I'm going to be patient and look forward to anything facing me.
I hope I haven't bothered you too much, but because if you don't want to read this, just don't do it.
It's your choice.

xx Blacky

Anime, Inspiration & Sport

Hellouu!


Do you have ever seen an anime, series or movie and you thought - that's it!? That there was a quote or truth in the characters behaviour and talking and you really get its deeper meaning?
I like these truths.
Such anime as Naruto - I somehow enjoy the battling and even the annoying voice of Naruto himself -  and whenever he tries to protect his friends and every innocent people.
It's heart-warming.
You can apply this meaning in your daily life: 
One always should try to help other people and see only the good in everyone.
Smile - and most people will smile in return.
Believe in your dreams!
Naruto is one of the worst students ever (expect his immense chakra - power by the nine- tailed -  fox) but he doesn't doubt for even a moment that he will become Hogake anyway.
And at last but not least: Give your best! 
If you don't even try do give your best, you'll never achieve your dreams or get as good in something as you could really be.
And of course it's more fun to try hard - in the end your results are fantastic. 
However goals aren't usually achieved in an instant.
You need patient, even if your hate to be calm. Everyone needs a break here and there.


What are  your experiences with "true meanings"? Have you ever had a depressive moment but suddenly there was something you could hold on?


For myself, it often helps me when I listen to music. Or I look at some nice pictures and dream. ("Inside my head my life is so much more interesting")
And if I go for a walk.


At the moment I haven't had much physical exercise so I am quickly annoyed.
So I started a list which sorts of sport I'll do in the next 2 weeks.


*go jogging [7x]
*play tennis [at least 4h]
* walk big tours with my dog [9x]
*do yoga [3h]
* do some exercises for my neck and back
* meet at least 4 times with friends ^-^


I'm somewhat like a couch potato and hermit. I love being alone but not lonely.
However the more sport I do the more relaxed and balanced I feel.
That kind of a true for me. Sport and fresh air make me feel alive. That's one reason why I sometimes research for nice jogging motivation pics. For getting inspired and having something to do with my body and mind.


I hope I haven't spammed you too much ;)

Soon I'll post my bucket list eventually!

xx Blacky

PS: Have a nice day!

Top 12 (male) Actors

Howdy :3
Sorry, that I haven't post anything this week , but I was kinda tired and nervous and I enjoyed my time with my lovely dog ^-^

I love male band singers, male audio book speakers & male actors! :D
Yeah, I really don't like most female singers, even if there really good....maleness-addict *-*

I started with my to 5, but wasn't able to omit the others, so I decided to rank my top 10.
Anyway in the end there were 12 of them and I probably forgot loads important actors. (e.g. from "Game of Thrones I haven't ranked one or more from Lord of the Rings, and period drama movies and on & on ...)
However here are my top 12 actors:

12

Viggo Mortensen

Aragorn - Lord of the Rings

11

Michael Gambon

Dumbledore - Harry Potter (3-7)

10

Michael Fassbener

Mr Rochester - Jane Eyre

9
Johnny Lee Miller

Mr Knightly - Emma

8

Gary Oldman

Sirius Black - Harry Potter

7

Hugh Jackman

Jean Valjean - Les Miserables

6

Hugh Grant

Daniel Cleaver - Bridget Jones

5

Alan Rickman

Colonel Brandon -Sense & Sensibility

4
Russell Crowe

Javert -  Les Miserables

3

Johnny Depp

2!

Richard Armitage

Mr Thornton - North & South

1!!

Colin Firth

So - what do you think? And of course - who are your favorite actors?

Leave a comment below and let me know!

xx Blacky

7x7 #2

Hey guys!
It's my second post of my week's impressions. ;)
Let's start!

Monday:

It was hot and I had nothing to do, so I watched a lot of anime.

I really recommend K-Project for everyone who loves Fantasy-anime.

Tuesday:

I fancied this shoulder bag for nearly 8 (?) months, since I got its "big brother".

And of course every bag needs a patch, therefore I bought this nice "Nightmare before Christmas" patch.

Wednesday:

Was quite boring again, but my mum and I tried to make "low carb" sushi with cauliflower.

The whole thing turned out very muddy  - however delicious! 

Thursday:

Some books I'd borrowed needed to be returned so I went to the library and I couldn't resist to borrow this nice Asian Food cook book :D

Recently I particular love Asian food!

Friday:

Although there are still 3 weeks to go, I packed my luggage for England and planned what's important.

I still havent,'t unpacked my case :P

Saturday:

Black day.

As I already told you, a trip to Düsseldorf was planned, but I cancelled.

Apart from that I read "Looking for Alaska" by John Green and felt depressed- Don't know why.-.-

It suddenly happened.... just because.

Sunday:

I felt quite okay and did some regular stuff. Reading, computer playing, eating and walking with my dog.

Nothing special.

North and South - Iris

xx Blacky

Unimportance & Negligibilities

"Be or not to be that is the question."

Probably everyone knows that quote. 

And it really is a great deal without an answer I guess. 

I'm seeking for a sense of life and today was one of the days I thought about death again.

My mother and I planned to go shopping in Düsseldorf today and buy some Asian food. 

But suddenly my feelings changed and I just thought, it wasn't important. Nothing is important at all.

Life contains birth, present and death. It's a circle and labyrinth you cannot escape, except you would find a way to immortality.

But if you would be immortal, what would you do with it? Just keep on and on living?

A boring thing to do so.

Yeah, there are really nice, beautiful and amazing things humans are capable to do and see in their lives, but I've never felt real love (apart from my family), I've never had sex yet or even actually had a boyfriend.

Money, sex and love/hatred are defining our world's and society's rules.

Well, I suppose I've missed my point again. I'd be better off starting again.

What was it anyway? Err, yes, my feelings' change.

So, I went to my mom and cancelled our plans. 

My head felt groggy and I bit into paper advertising - tearing it apart.

I still don't know why.

Ya see?

That's somehow what I meant. I don't know what I want, what to live for.

Of course I look forward to travelling to England, but if I would commit suicide, I wouldn't really care I guess.

And my graduation? Fuck it....in these moments I just want to lie on my bed and vegetate the rest of my stupid eye-blinking-short-lifetime.

There IS one thing I'd like to get at the moment. Having a tattoo with an the symbol of eternality (tilted 8) and "Hakuna Matata" written in it.

Approximately like this one:

Maybe I would feel better. Screaming out that I don't care about any bloody damned world issue.

Maybe I would not.

And I want mead. I loved the smell back in November but I wasn't in the mood to taste it.

And I can't buy it either, because I'm not 16 yet (in Germany you can buy beer, wine and mead at the age of 16, the rest at 18). Gee...

Some of my friends are 16 by now and one of them promised me to get some before my departure, but ...well...it really hot outside isn't it? (28°C+)

But I will beg her anyway, then telling my parents I'm going to sleep in our old house (above my granddad's floor, it's empty and we stored old sofas there ) and watch probably either North & South, Pride & Prejudice or a nice Disney animation.

Silly plan. However I'll enjoy it....Hopefully.

Again my real topic slipped away, so I'm gonna end this.

Have a nice day, 

xx Blacky

Edit: I really like this :3

Joining a Conversation

Hi guys, 

Let's imagine: [It can be a different place, time, conversation, people - whatever :D]

You're sitting in a restaurant with good friends of yours and it's much fun. But after some drinks you really need to go to the toilet. 

After a few minutes (there was a queue) you come back and you hear this last sentence: 

"Harry was really brave."

Well, as a passionate reader you first thought is about J.K. Rowlings Harry Potter books.

So you say: "Yeah, I think so too. The last book is my favorite."

You wait for an answer, but your friends are looking confused for a moment before the woman sitting opposite realizes what you were talking about. She smirks and says: 

"Interesting. I didn't know Harry S. was an author."

Ooops....

"Uhm...er...sorry for interrupting. I thought you were talking about Harry Potter."

I always hate these moments, when I interrupt a conversation and think I know what the topic is.

It's often embarrassing O.o Especially when the chat is cut off and nobody knows what to say next.

I really tend to blush easily and my face goes red as a tomato. 

But sometimes I'm lucky and I say such a stupid comment, that everyone is just laughing and we keep on chatting ;)

I'm really helpless with joining a conversation and sheepishness isn't helpful at all.

Maybe I'll grow someday out of mistakes. Maybe I gain more self-confidence.

But before I reach my goal I'll fall down very often.

I just need to keep on stand up again & again.

Hopefully my exchange gives my sort of a "kick".

That I fall really deep and need much courage to climb up again.

'Course it's not easy to live half a year in a different country, without friends or family, without speaking the language very well - just loads of strangers...

It'll be hard but I'll be okay :)

xx Blacky

7 days- 7 impressions

Hey^-^
I thought about a nice project and the result was an every-Sunday-post-conception.
The idea is, that I'll share a photo, text, video or so with you with an insight of everyday's most important thing and impression.
It was a rather uninteresting and boring week, but all in all it was hot and summerlike at least.
So let's start with my Monday impression:

I used to hate it but now I love it *-* Peanutbutter

Tuesday : So far away by Avenged Sevenfold

I <3 this band and the clip is so sad, that the first time I saw it I nearly cried... 

Wednesday: Roses- For my Grandma

I love you!! She planted roses everywhere C:

Thursday - The lion king -Mufasa's appearance

The movie I've watched most frequently (and Pride & Prejudice of course xD)

And I hate this scene as much as I love it. It makes me cry every damn time I see it... particulary this beautiful music *-*

Friday - Earrings

I've got my first ear holes -  Ying-Yang earrings :D

Saturday - Fuzzy-Head (Bad hair day)

I bought some make-up and sport stuff and my hair was curled all along...I don't like my hair it's so fuzzy -.-

Aaaand it's embarassing to go shopping with hair as if a 5-year-old had  played with hair curler .__.

Sunday - Delirium

Really nice dystopian book about love and emotions.

xx Blacky

PS: In the next few days I'll post something called "Joining a conversation" :3

Yesterday's tide

Events are moving so fast and what in one moment seems impossible, the next is happening. I'm sure historians will, in time, provide theories and analysis, but for now I think most of us simply want the tide stemmed.
Lucy Powell 

Yesterday started boring and went on with cooking a casserole and tidying up my room.
Then I rode to a friend and together we were brought to the train station. After 40 minutes sitting & talking we arrived in D. 
My friend wants to have a piercing so we planned to go to the piercing studio first to fix a date. 
Straying around since we didn't know the exact way, we decided to go to a park and relax.
We weren't there before and it looked really nice! But we had forgotten towels and after about one hour sunbathing we had our fill of annoying flies and grass sticking everywhere (the grass made imprints as if our skin was crinkled paper :D)
We kept on walking through beautiful flowerbeds and chose an exit at last.
Dopey as we are we hadn't brought enough water with us, so we were accordingly thirsty. 
But thanks to the underground (' love cities) Aldi was just a few minutes' drive away. 
Each of us bought a 1,5 litre bottle and we've drunken it very, very fast..... :D
And I couldn't resist buying peanut butter. I've been hating it when I was younger, but since I've eaten peanut sauce at a Chinese restaurant I luuuuve it <3 (You must! try it out with chicken :3)
Then we went back home ....

But my real reasons for this post weren't a boring life (day) update.
It have been my thoughts about the tide.
When we were searching for the studio, I realised how much I actually enjoy walking without an aim.
I think, that is a kind of freedom. If I have an important aim (e.g. date with sb.) I always think about being too late and so on, but don't really enjoy the way.
The thing is that I feel more freely when I just have the way without an aim. 
So I've planned to drive to D. again soon (without someone this time, cause the friend whowas with me doesn't like walking) and just listen to music and just drift to the sound and heartbeat of the world. (That doesn't make sense, does it? :D)
Sneaking a kind of peace ....
Yeah, I bubble too much again. Senselessly.Pointlessly.
Sorry for that! But I think it's hard to catch one's thoughts and describe them in human words. Especially if English not your mother tongue and you try to write a blog in English xD...
However as I've explained that's one of my reasons to write this lifestyle blog: learning how to express myself in a clear and confident way as well as to apprehend my messed-up mind at all.

Sorry again, I bring my text to an end now :P
xx Blacky

Self-confidence?

Hey guys,

The last days were quite hard for me.
My grandma is lying in hospital and everyone is waiting for her to die, but she doesn't let go.

Edit: She died right now.
My parents came in and my mom petted my shoulder. I didn't like that gesture. Does she really believe that makes it any better? It felt annoying. I'd have preferred to be told in a calm voice that it eventually happened. I can't deal with it that way. .....

So my afternoon passed by with watching Navy CIS.
But when I was asked to  buy a mobile phone credit card I suddenly run into my room and started weeping.
I just....I don't know. It was too much.
After a few minutes my control was reconverd and I ate  pasta.
I always need to eat or drink something when I'm nervous, stressed or bored.

Whatsoever....I was always a shy child with little self-confidence, but I was happy and my life felt okay.
During the 2nd to 7th grade I looked like a boy (I preferred blue clothes and short hair -> much more handy, but I was never bullied or so) yet I am quite intelligent  and had friends enough so that I never missed anything important.

However during the last years I've been retreating more and more into my shell.
I've still have good friends, especially two of them.
They both have depressive states.
And in the last weeks my mum has been drinking much alcohol. (She started when her dad dies (she was about 15 or 16 years old and her mum used to tell her that she was unwanted).
My granddad (her dad) who I've never knew was an alcoholic too.
Apart from that she didn't used to drink much, maybe 3-4 days a month.
But it became more and more lately.
Wednesday dad bursted into anger and he gave her the choice whether moves out or checks into a drying-out center. She's chosen the secons option.
But I know, it isn't the question if my parents ever get divorced but when.
Probably when my youngest brother is old enough.

Back to my main issure: self-confidence.
Let's imagine a skyscraper. During primary school my confidence was more or less in the 3rd floor maybe a bit higher, where others used to be in one of the highest suites.
In secondary school it slumped more and more and finally hit the basement.
If it's sinking like I feel at the moment, it'll reach hell before christmas.
*Give satan my regards*

And now I'm stopping writing this foolish text and drink a big cup of coffee.....


xx Someone-Currently-Broken

School's out!

Yeah,
today was the last schoolday for nearly six weeks *-*
Well, for me there're just 40 days left in German and then my exchange in England begins. I'll stay in England (Devon) for about six months and I'm really excited :D
In half an hour we're going to eat at an Chinese restaurant, as we always do after getting our year results. (My average is 1.9 <- *happy*)
So I hope it's going to be a nice day and since summer eventually started....in any case it'll be hot and sunnny.

This post is quite unnesessary so I could add some ideas about prospective posts I've planned.
Some probably will have the topic "movies & music", where I advance my opinion and present my favourites.
Besides I'll definitly write philosophical texts.
I often talk about "everything and nothing" with my friends, we're a crazy group O.o
And as I enjoy writing fantasy stories, I may translate some of my short stories into English :3
At last but not least I could imagine typing about daily experiences, e.g. embarrassing, stressful & happy moments.

xx Blacky

Why am I writing this blog?

Hey guys!
Well, that's a good question and I think it deserves an answer.
First, I want to point out, that my mothertongue is German, so please forgive me for my mistakes in grammar (espcially prepositions).
But back to my reasons:
I like writing. And every time I wrote a diary, I'd soon be to lazy and get a hand cramp.
But there's still that awful lot of random thoughts in my mind.
So this blog will be about my live, thoughts, weirdness and other random stuff.
You could call it a sort of alternative diary or just a collection of ....yeah...simply stuff.
I hope I can improve my English that way, and lose something of my uneasiness ( /mental tense), while sharing thoughts with the whole world.
That's the reason for my blog's name, too. In Greek the word "psyche" means "butterfly" as well as "soul".

If my soul would have a body, it would be a butterfly

Hopefully you enjoy reading my blog and feel free to write comments C:

xx Blacky